it's not pee!

I love how my cat will disappear for a while and then come back strangely wet all over his body. How does this happen? At first, I was afraid that he had somehow managed to roll around in his pee. Thankfully, that's not the case. He just likes to use his water bowl like a bird bath. What a freak.

I've been having some bizarre dreams lately. I don't know what could've brought them on, because I've just been watching Ken Burns documentaries and taking pictures of my clothes. (Btw, that wardrobe project is taking longer than I thought. I've taken around 700 pictures and I'm still not done. Jesus, I have a lot of clothes.)

Boots just sleep farted. Right next to me on the bed. Unpleasant. I know dog farts are supposed to be bad, but his little kitten toots are fucking rank. I think it's the wet food. One time, I was lying down in bed and he walked over my chest, and I happened to see his butthole right when he farted in my face. It winked at me. Then came the awful odor, like he'd taken a tiny little shit right under my nose. It lingered. Disgusting.

Anyway, about the dreams. The other night, I had a dream that the world was going to end, so Ashley, Bobby, and I (along with some dream randos) were going to kill ourselves by jumping off a cliff in advance of the apocalypse. We were lining up to go, and Ashley and Bobby went, and I was next, but I wanted to call my Mom first. So I called, but it went to voicemail, and I thought, "I can't jump without talking to my Mom!" So I didn't jump, and the world didn't end. Then I felt bad that I didn't talk Ashley and Bobby out of it.

This morning, I woke up to a freaky mini-dream during the time between snooze alarms. It felt like it was set in the late-70s/early-80s. I drove up to this old ranch-style house and came up to this big, wooden front door that had a ton of locks and one of those sliding "what's the password?" peep-doors. I finally opened the door and walked in the foyer, which had dark wood panelling, and in front of me, there was another door (also locked) that presumably led to the rest of the house. To the right, there was a staircase leading to a basement, and I could see another door at the bottom (also locked), but this door was shaking in its frame, clearly being pushed against. Then there was this voice-over narration, like the whole scene was in a movie or something: "It took the twins three hours to escape." I immediately realized that I needed to GTFO, because "the twins" were behind that door and I knew they were going to kill me if they got to me. I tried to lock the front door again, but it wasn't working because I was freaking out, so I ran back to my car and tried to start the car, but I was fumbling with the keys and couldn't get the right key in the ignition. I turned around and there were these two girls, around 11 years old, wearing blue dresses, running toward the driver's side of the car. (Evil children really disturb me.) It was then that I had the horrible realization that my car had manual locks and all the doors were unlocked. And then I woke up.

I just discovered Wilfred on FX tonight. Favorite line: "Put your lipstick back in its case, Romeo." Get it? LIKE A DOG PENIS!